marginally subversive

"You're downgraded!"

A few months ago, I was in a quandary - with all the questions converging on only one theme:  Do I want to be a big fish in a small pond or be a small fish in a big, big ocean?

Egged on by something - perhaps, pride and the want to experiment - I tried to be a small fish in a big, vast ocean.  Faced with prospects of growth - financially, personally, and intellectually - I dove in.

Then I realized - 6 months on - that I wasn't ready.

The big ocean is filled with currents - waves that cause boats to move and sway, and sometimes capsize - and strong undercurrents that are far stronger than the waves on the surface of the stormy sea.

I decided that I was a small fish - I had no control over my destiny and that I was transformed from a manager of managers to a mere support player whose main remit was well, change colors in a PowerPoint presentation and extract numbers and calculate percentage growth rates from a simple spreadsheet.

The day ended with me feeling not having accomplished anything - and not having grown an inch.  And that is in spite of having crossed out all the things that are listed on my so-called "treadmill". 

True, I had the chance - for the first time in my life - to come home at 6pm and see the sunset from my apartment (perched on top of a hill, overlooking the skyline of Singapore).  I had - for the first time in my life - the luxury of walking leisurely towards my gym appointments - instead of getting warmed up whilst running to catch the train and avoid being penalized by my gym trainer.

I know a lot of people would want to trade places with me - and yes, that there are a million people - girls and boys - who would kill for this kind of job.

But I needed a reason.

I needed to be imbued with passion - with the feeling that when I lay myself at the end of the day on my bed, I had something done.  Something that is far bigger than me.  Something that could potentially change the world.  Something that could have expanded my mind - a little bit.

I am passionate - but what I have learned is that it takes a little bit to 'light my fire'.  Once lit and kindled, it gives off such warmth, such glow...  Hoping that others, too, could be inspired and be lit and their fires kindled.

And that was it: that was why I threw in the towel and surrendered.

Because I wanted to be a part of something bigger - something that could potentially change the world - something that could change how people see things and relate to others and other things - something that could potentially be bigger and great and well, hope-filled.

BusinessWeek's latest issue had described this as a variation of the "phantom limb syndrome".  Dr. Jerry Sulkowicz says this in his latest column:

Your experience sounds like a variation on "phantom limb syndrome," in which a person receives signals from a limb that's no longer there. Clinging to the phantom executive inside you, I suspect, is your way of dealing with the loss of ... your authority. The best cure, of course, is a new and better position, but that may take a while.

He offers this advice:

How to cope in the interim? The strong emotions you're feeling now will fade in time, but only if you don't make matters worse by punishing yourself. You've suffered a blow, but that doesn't mean you have to lose your self-respect or your sense of who you are. In my experience advising CEOs who have lost their jobs, such feelings (including a sense of humiliation) are frequently self-imposed.

And he further adds that:

Satisfying work, like a satisfying life, is rarely achieved through a straight, upward climb.

True.

But to satisfy one's life, one must satisfy the inner voice - that voice that is calling from within when silence surrounds and the world is quiet.

One of my former bosses - KT - taught me a very valuable lesson that until now I carry with me: "Leaders are not defined by their position or their titles; they are defined by the way they serve other people.  Christ-like leadership - service-based leadership.  Making other people shine by shining your own light."

Photo Credits:  From JML at this site.  Photo is governed by a Creative Commons License.

And yes.  That's what I want to do.

Serving leaders.  Leaders who lead in spite of who they are in the organizational chart ("Employee Number XXX156 from Cost Center XXX123").  Leaders who let their light shine and inspire others to also shine that others around them may also shine.  Leaders who deserve respect - from others who she/he also respects.  Leaders who inspire others - who in turn inspire her/him.

But never a slave.  Never.

I guess - in spite of my being a part of the capitalistic, dog-eat-dog world that characterizes the world that I live in - I still am an idealist.  And that I have never let go of the ideals that my family, my schools, my university and philosophy professors have taught me:  Be men and women for others - by living simply that others may simply live.

exit interviews

in the span of 13 years of working (i am still an adolescent by industry standards), i have only had one exit interview. 

and that first and only one was done after leaving a company-network that i have been with for 8 years - from 1999 to 2007.  the entire purpose was to "find out what went wrong and what the company could have done better to retain 'talents' such as me".

it was an interesting, candid interview.

but up to now, i wasn't sure how it benefited me.

surely, it made a little bit of a change in my perception of the company i was leaving - a feeling of "at least they cared to listen to my stories - finally!"

but that was the main point:  "finally".

oh well.

i am scheduled to do another one.

will i still be as candid as the last one?  well, it all depends on the questions that will be asked.  (oh, at least the HR person now knows who I am now after months of passing by me in the hallway without saying hello or hi or simply acknowledging my presence.)

(sourgrapes?  hahaha.)

seriously, what is HR for?  we've talked of talent management - businessweek talks of the global talent crunch.  harvard business review talks of leaders' one ultimate goal: retain and deeply engage talent and encourage them to realize that these talents can be bigger than they are.

these days, i see HR as something that tries to get people to adhere to certain procedures - or else.  (the request for my exit interview was also stated along the same lines:  "as part of you obtaining your clearance to leave the company (and ultimately getting your salary: I added that), you need to do an exit interview" - which translates to "well, frankly, I don't want to sit down with you to do an interview since you're leaving anyway but it's the process... so let's get it on..."

having been a psych student with some exposures on Organizational Development and Organizational Behavior - and having conducted studies on Attitudinal Shifts and Tech Adoption Models in organizational settings, I am still trying to look for that great HR person.  someone who really take to heart what human resources management is all about - people management.  holistic people management. warts and all.

and oh.  greeting them once in a while when you cross paths in the narrow hallways in the office.

haha.

Seen on a shirt @ Adam Road Food Center

I can work for money - but that would be boring.

Not sure if I agree... but I am also not sure if I disagree.  Hmm.  Neutral?

Things that I miss, things that I would like to do

I miss going to company leadership meetings and presenting my viewpoints - presenting results to things that I had worked on for five nights in a row and making business cases and debating the pros and cons of decisions that are being made.  I miss the philosophical and "principles" debates - and the perennial question "But will it make money for us in the long-term?".  Either with clients or with other leaders in the company.

I miss presenting my viewpoints about how training and tools and employee-development should be managed.  I miss arguing with my peers who amongst the team has the highest potentials - and what we can do to maximize those potentials and keep them loyal to the company - or at least happy.

I miss the voice of my former peers - those passionate voices that sometimes fill the boardrooms at 7pm when we all just finished back-to-back meetings and teleconferences.  I miss the arguments - inane or otherwise - but nonetheless, fruitful.

I miss the announcements of new businesses - no, not half million wins, not 1million wins, but 2.5 or 3 or 4 or 5 million wins.  High-profile or low-profile wins.  Wins that make a difference to the company's bottomline - and wins that you know - I know - made a dent and made it possible to deliver bonuses to deserving people in the company.

I miss working late 2-4 days before a major pitch - against 2 other competitors, against 2 more powerful competitors.  We may not win it - but we knew we wouldn't go down without a fight.  We will give our best - even if it all boils down to price and relationships.  We believe in strategies - my peers and I.  We believed in processes - beyond the tactics and shortcuts into real business solutions that went beyond the media plan and discounts and negotiations.

I miss the things finishing worthwhile at 11pm at night or 1am in the morning - knowing that at 9am in the morning, I will be taking this presentation - "hot off the oven" - and present it and make a stellar presentation, answering questions that are sometimes inane ("How much discounts will you offer?") to the visionary ("So ten years from now, how do you think this brand will look like against your vision of the media and communications landscape?").

I miss going to meetings - representing Asia Pacific and the different countries that this region encompasses.  From the "emerging" to the "developed" to the "high-pop" to the "high pop-density".  From the "then-tiger" to the "new tigers" to the "elephants and dragons" to the "kamikazes".  I miss working inside a metal tube for 18 hours, not sleeping and knowing that when I get to the hotel on the other side of the world, I was expected to act as if I were in my natural world - my 'own' timezone, my 'own' rhythm, my 'own' life.

I miss going to Starbucks - or at least, getting the Concierge to get me Starbucks ("Quadruple Shot of Espresso Hazelnut Latte - the biggest cup that they can offer, whatever it is... please!") - as I go through last minute over my notes and my documents and my index cards which contain my agenda, my itinerary, my goals:  "What can I do for my region, for my markets, for my clients that I could take home from this series of meetings?"

People think I am soft - patient - kind.

I may be.

But I am a lot tougher than they think.

It's just that I don't believe in freebies.  I don't believe in politics.  I declare my thoughts even if it puts me at risk.  I come up with rational explanations - even if it runs counter with the accepted norms.  (And yes, I may not go far with these beliefs.)

I have proven myself - to others and to myself.  I have delivered businesses - and more importantly I have paved the way for others to build their own businesses and reputations.

That - I am proud of.

That - I would like to do.  Again.

In a big company - or in a small company.  In a for-profit company - or one involved with non-profit.